nurture & water

sometimes there is nothing you can do for a plant but let it grow. you may want to re-pot it, add fertilizer, prune, change its location and sunlight. all that, and it might just want to be in its place and have time to grow. all you need to do is keep giving it water.

if this were the last thing i ever wrote, did i say what i needed to in my life?

why can't i be the man in my dreams?
why can't i say what i really mean?
maybe this year, you'll see the things in my mind
maybe this time i'll make it clear
maybe this year.. - San Ale

i was feeling really frustrated recently about my inability to make people see What I Really Want To Say. today i articulated that frustration, but tomorrow i'll find yet another situation where I Said The Wrong Thing. the day after, i might feel that someone doesn't yet know The Full Truth about me.

i recently came to have a print of someone's hands holding water that slipped out. a river flowing, when someone wants it to be a puddle. I Wonder How That Applies To Me. (TODO: copy analysis over)

maybe if we just keep talking we'll finally fully understand each other. but that requires one of us to just sit there and listen. with all of our history behind us and a future that we want ahead of us. some people have someone else that will sit there for The Full Truth. those are the truly blesséd, even if they don't deserve it.

as a kid, i would play in the dirt. i would craft rivers and ponds in my backyard, imaging an ecosystem of animals and tiny people that would live there. eventually, the water would seep back into the earth and all that was left was the holes and valleys i dug up. as an adult, i can see that i've left some holes in people and some people have left valleys in me. these metaphorical holes and valleys are not necessarily bad— it means some one imagined a universe in them.

i've been thinking about a lot of what ifs.. what if i said this instead.. what if i slowed down and said nothing at all.. what if i said everything..

an unfortunate fact of reality is that you will never truly understand someone else's mind. all you can do is listen long enough to learn the things that will get you closer to The Full Truth. this year, i'm appreciative of the people who have. and i long to do the same for them. it just requires.

slowing.

down.

let the sun and rain wash over us. one day we may blossom and fruit, or one day we may cease to grow forever.

with love,
Alexander